Well, A LOT has happened to me since the last time I posted in June.. Where do I even start??
In june nothing really happened.. Honestly! It's July that was exciting! My best friend got married to a wonderful young woman, who is dangerously close to becoming another best friend. (I'm a girl. We have to have 18 best friends at a time, otherwise we don't know how to classify our relationships!) They wed on the 11th of July. It was awesome!
I got engaged on the 17th of July while camping in Tahoe with Kyle. I was very happy, and very excited. Immediately after, we called our family and our friends, and we tried to tell as many people as we possibly could. And then when we got home, I was very overwhelmed by how many questions proceeded to come at me. The usual suspects, I'm sure, but none that I was prepared to answer. Questions from customers at work were- Where is it? Whats the date? What are your colors? How many in your party? Et cetera.. It was very overwhelming for a girl who never thought twice about her wedding before all of this.
Questions from my family were pretty formal. Does his family like you? What did your dad say? Who's going to be your maid of honor?
And from the few friends that realized that I WAS engaged(because apparently my text didn't reach everyone, and I guess they didn't notice the 50 comments on my relationship status change on facebook), wondering who was going to be in the bridal party seemed of utmost importance. In several cases, where they stood was extremely important, even though I hadn't really thought about many of them even being in the party at all... It was all quite an ordeal..
Especially since I wasn't feeling so good about the whole scenario. I suddenly had too many people trying to help me with my wedding, and not enough people trying to help me with my messed up relationship. Neighbors were suddenly my 'best friends', friends came out of the woodwork, and people that I never thought would ever have approved of Kyle and I were ready to donate to the cause.
All through August I swirled around the idea of marrying Kyle, and was constantly asked questions. I felt pressured, and applied pressure to Kyle to get answers to the questions. But pushing him made everything harder. We both decided, with a little help from our friends, to not talk about the wedding until Kyle had bought his house and moved in. And I started to tell my customers that we were waiting to talk about it until we could afford it.
But by September, I started to realize that there were a lot of issues that Kyle and I just couldn't agree on. And no matter how much I wanted to make it work between us, I just couldn't compromise the way I would have needed to for the rest of my life.
So, on September 11th, I had to make an extremely difficult decision. But I know that God has a plan for both of our lives. Whether or not we're in each others plans is another question.. But it's all in His hands, and I have to trust in Him with everything, my relationships included.
So I've made another oath to myself.. I am planning to stay single for a while. I have a lot of stuff going on in my head, and I have to straighten out my own life before I can even THINK about sharing it with someone else right now. I am working on spending more time with Jesus, too. Because, if there's one thing that I've realized through all of this, it's that I can't do anything on my own. I have absolutely no control over my life. And if I want to feel even a tiny morsel of control, I need to get with God more. Because He's the one holding the remote control. And no matter how much I turn off the TV, He still know's what on. And He knows how it's going to end.
So, that's what's been going on in the last couple of months.
